silence

there used to be a time when silence was comfortable. now, I find myself wondering and worrying what thoughts are not being spoken? it's a bitter taste in my mouth to listen to the conversations that happen in my presence but aren't spoken directly to me. I miss the times when silence was wonderful and comforting, knowing that things were ok.

typing away tonight, just trying to get the thoughts in my mind straight. wondering why I'm so angry inside at things that were left unsaid.

I'm confused and hurt and don't know how to break the silence.

too many thoughts...

it's one of those nights that I'm restless, due mainly to the thoughts going through my head. although... I'm restless maybe because I'm wired from the energy of the events of Saturday.

a birthday party for a little girl and a chinese wedding banquet. it's been a crazy and hectic day.

so, in my head I'm trying to formulate a letter to my parents as I need to send it off on Monday or Tuesday. I wish it was as easy as writing on a daily basis, but unfortunately it's not. There's so much to say yet I stumble at the words to express everything I want to say. I could do the general letter and just give them an update of what's happened for the past 10 years or so. I could write about the confusion and anger that go through my head as to why our many years of silence have happened. I could express in my tears frustration and hurt. I honestly don't know what approach would be best.

I guess we'll have to see what happens when I put pen to paper....

reunions....

Very late last year, I decided that I wanted to reconcile the long standing broken relationship between my parents and I. I knew that the time had come to finally end a silly feud based on pride. It's been since 1996, that was the last time I had spoken to either of my parents. Needless to say, it's time.

During the visit to the bay area, to see the growth within our "barkada" and all the little faces growing each day, a realization that I've lost so many memories with my parents came over me. They've missed my wedding already, I don't think I want them to miss out on their first grandchild. (for those reading, I'm not pregnant yet)

I visited my uncle who is still in contact with them (yes, I kept tabs on my parents) and let him know of my intent. Got a call during the Laker game tonight, that he had spoken with them and that they "sounded" excited. My father even going to the extent of asking if he was a "lolo" already.

It made me smile to think of this and sharing this with the hubby on the drive home, he reminded me of the other times we've tried once again to be a whole family and the disappointments of the past. It's always hard to get my hopes up in the matters regarding my parents, but it's hard not to. I want so much to be in my parents' lives once again and them in mine that it hurts, but I know that this time, it's on my terms where I'm not scared of them reverting back to treating me like a little girl rather than a grown adult with her own life. I know that it's hard to ask for your parents not to treat you like their daughter, but I also know that it's about time that they let go of their little girl.

I write this with a hopeful and heavy heart, keeping my fingers crossed for a happy ending.

family...

As a x-mas gift to my mother in law from the family, we took family shots at the local park. Our photographer, Wojtek, was Belgium and a true believer in his craft. It was refreshing to know that it was not just a profession for him but a passion. It took us less than 2 hours to capture "family." Picking the pictures was hard, as my sister-in-law and I had to pick them for mom. But, we were able to narrow it down to 5. It now hangs proudly in mom's living room adding to her existing memories built on laughter and love.



My mother in law is one of the best. I don't think I could have been luckier even if I had the option to pick myself. Granted, she has her quirks but generally, she is one of the most giving people I know. I admit to people that I admire her strength to survive which she has passed down to all 3 of her kids. All of whom are testimonies to their mom's strength.



definately, my favorite neice. the oldest of the bunch and the one that can actually appreciate being spoiled. I gave her a white goosedown vest for x-mas which thankfully she loved and that gave me the biggest smile for the rest of x-mas eve. I can't wait for vegas where I can do more spoiling!



all four of the kiddos. each with their strengths and weaknesses. i just love them because I can borrow them then return them at the end of the day!

It's off to Vegas Wednesday morning... the realization that I've married into a family that likes to gamble is scary. Look out, we'll be the ones drunk and hogging up at least one of the craps tables for ourselves!

a first...

Inspired by a friend, I've decided to open and create an online journal of sorts. I'm not exactly sure how much I plan to reveal or write in this blog, however, I will post interesting conversations about nothing or something about everything. Thank you Joanne for your inspriation to open and clear my mind.



Above is a picture of my godson. Adorable and innocent to no end but even in innocence, up to no good. It's quite amusing to me how much one being goes through during life. Somethings are dramatic as continually demonstrated by my 7 year old drama queen neice. Or perhaps it's just nothing as all, as I picture my newphew shrug his shoulders and run off in laughter. I guess the end of the year always tends to place me in a "review" perspective.

My year in a nutshell? Alot of drastic change. Mostly all good changes. I know that I have nothing to be regretful about. 2005 has actually been a good year for me and for those around me.

Marriage is stable and still extremely happy. Career is good. Family is good. I'm actually picturing Joey from "Friends" during the whole Rachel and her combo Sheperd's pie slash trifil dessert. "What's there not to like, cream good, cake good, meat good!" Such has my life been this past year.

My goals for next year. I'll take that one day at a time. Geez, most of my days are spent figuring out what I'm doing next so to ask me now what my plans are for next year is like asking my neice not to be so dramatic.

Merry x-mas all and a safe and happy new year!