Post Maui Blues

Maui was fantastic! It was 6 days and 5 nights of wonderous and much needed relaxation. It's funny how guilty one feels for being able to relax that way.

We did alot in the days that we were there. Para-sailing, a tour to Hana, a submarine ride, a helicopter ride over West Maui and of course a luau.

Gotta love the food in Hawaii... fresh pineapple every morning...wonderful dinner at Sansei Restaurant...didn't have the courage to try that tarot thing that's native to the islands...

I can't wait to go back

a small bit of an update...

Wow... can it be true that the last time I posted was back in March? I guess the computer doesn't lie in this case.

So just a bit of an update since my last post.

Life's been generally crazy yet again. The summer time is always my busiest season dealing with brides and their events. On top of all the events we've coordinated this summer, we also managed to move from one location to another location. Oh that move! I don't think I'll ever be apart of something that crazy again!

Our new space is wonderful. Tons more room and alot more foot traffic. But it was alot of work on everyone's part. I don't think our hubbies will ever be willing to eagerly lend a hand anymore based on what we put them through during the construction process. Like our previous location, we thought it would be a great idea to save some money and lay down tile ourselves. Never again! Hopefully, we won't be moving into another location anytime soon! Imagine 4 women and their husband laboring away on a hot Southern California afternoon on the Fourth of July. A day where we should be barbequeing and swimming, instead there we are laying tile covered in thin set trying to make sure that all the rows are straight. Packing up the new store and sorting what we would keep and what would be either ebay'd or donated, staining the new cabinets, buying new inventory... the joys of owing a business. Sometime I think I'm crazy but I don't think I'll ever feel this satified doing anything but what I do.

I did take up a new part time job. The company I work for is called The Latino Literacy Family Project. It's a wonderful project working with the school districts in both California and Texas. Just adding more to my plate. It's insane but I'm loving it.

On a more personal note, life has been a comfortable cycle. We're headed to Hawaii to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. I'm ankle deep researching the various activities to cram into 6 days and 5 nights of "relaxation." I know that the boy wants to go on a helicopter ride, attend a luau. Me, I want to drive the road to Hana. Can wait until the middle of October. Hawaii and it's beaches are calling!

Hopefully in my next post I can post the complete set of all my kiddos. All in all, my total is 15. Nieces and Nephews... all of various personalities and temperments.





I leave you with flowers. The boy is glad that he doesn't have to buy me flowers anymore. But when he does, he knows where to get them....

what happens when...

so many times I stop to ask myself, "what happens when..."

It's hard to write when there's just so much going through your head and trying to sort everything out just makes things worse. I'm at a lost at where to begin. There are so many things that I think will work itself out in due time, but the unpatient me screams when? How much longer can I continue to act like nothing is wrong when it feels like everything is?

I know I'm turning away and shutting down. Afraid to share anything anymore for fear of the hurt that comes with truth yet failing to realize that perhaps I have to hurt in order to heal.

what happens when you can freely talk about anything anymore?
what happens when the silence that was once a comfort is now a discomfort?
what happens when it seems so much easier to let go rather to stay and fight?

what happens when you don't have any of the answers you're looking for?

finally... a bit of piece

It's been a hectic few weeks with everything that's been happening in my life. Sometimes it's hard just to slow down and take a breath. Finally, I can do that.

Between the shop and the new purchase of a floral shop before Valentine's day, needless to say that time hasn't been my friend. I shouldn't complain as business has been good in both locations. It's just now finding the new routine and balancing. But I guess that's just life.

I still wonder how I've been so fortunate to be able to call my "hobby" my career. I don't think there are many people out there who can honestly say they enjoy completely what they do for a living, much less look forward to the different challenges that come with owning a business. It's always going to be stressful in one way or another but the rewards that come with knowing that your hard work and the effort that you've been putting in with your team is actually coming together. I guess I there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

As for the situation with my parentals... I haven't heard anything in response from them. I'm not sure what their reaction to my letter was. Hopefully, I'll be hearing something soon, but then again, if I don't, then at least I've made the first step and attempt. It does take two to tango!

Personally, the hubby and I have decided that this would definately be the year to start a family. We're actually looking for a home to buy soon, but still waiting for the market to soften just a bit more. Ideally, we'd love to stay in the same area as it's just convenient to everything for us. His softball, his work, the shops and all our activites together. We'll just have to see what happens as paying rent is becoming overrated. Plus, the dogs need a real yard. I think they've both played escape artist at least once every three months. It's getting hard to find creative ways of keeping them in their kennel.

silence

there used to be a time when silence was comfortable. now, I find myself wondering and worrying what thoughts are not being spoken? it's a bitter taste in my mouth to listen to the conversations that happen in my presence but aren't spoken directly to me. I miss the times when silence was wonderful and comforting, knowing that things were ok.

typing away tonight, just trying to get the thoughts in my mind straight. wondering why I'm so angry inside at things that were left unsaid.

I'm confused and hurt and don't know how to break the silence.

too many thoughts...

it's one of those nights that I'm restless, due mainly to the thoughts going through my head. although... I'm restless maybe because I'm wired from the energy of the events of Saturday.

a birthday party for a little girl and a chinese wedding banquet. it's been a crazy and hectic day.

so, in my head I'm trying to formulate a letter to my parents as I need to send it off on Monday or Tuesday. I wish it was as easy as writing on a daily basis, but unfortunately it's not. There's so much to say yet I stumble at the words to express everything I want to say. I could do the general letter and just give them an update of what's happened for the past 10 years or so. I could write about the confusion and anger that go through my head as to why our many years of silence have happened. I could express in my tears frustration and hurt. I honestly don't know what approach would be best.

I guess we'll have to see what happens when I put pen to paper....

reunions....

Very late last year, I decided that I wanted to reconcile the long standing broken relationship between my parents and I. I knew that the time had come to finally end a silly feud based on pride. It's been since 1996, that was the last time I had spoken to either of my parents. Needless to say, it's time.

During the visit to the bay area, to see the growth within our "barkada" and all the little faces growing each day, a realization that I've lost so many memories with my parents came over me. They've missed my wedding already, I don't think I want them to miss out on their first grandchild. (for those reading, I'm not pregnant yet)

I visited my uncle who is still in contact with them (yes, I kept tabs on my parents) and let him know of my intent. Got a call during the Laker game tonight, that he had spoken with them and that they "sounded" excited. My father even going to the extent of asking if he was a "lolo" already.

It made me smile to think of this and sharing this with the hubby on the drive home, he reminded me of the other times we've tried once again to be a whole family and the disappointments of the past. It's always hard to get my hopes up in the matters regarding my parents, but it's hard not to. I want so much to be in my parents' lives once again and them in mine that it hurts, but I know that this time, it's on my terms where I'm not scared of them reverting back to treating me like a little girl rather than a grown adult with her own life. I know that it's hard to ask for your parents not to treat you like their daughter, but I also know that it's about time that they let go of their little girl.

I write this with a hopeful and heavy heart, keeping my fingers crossed for a happy ending.