silence

there used to be a time when silence was comfortable. now, I find myself wondering and worrying what thoughts are not being spoken? it's a bitter taste in my mouth to listen to the conversations that happen in my presence but aren't spoken directly to me. I miss the times when silence was wonderful and comforting, knowing that things were ok.

typing away tonight, just trying to get the thoughts in my mind straight. wondering why I'm so angry inside at things that were left unsaid.

I'm confused and hurt and don't know how to break the silence.

too many thoughts...

it's one of those nights that I'm restless, due mainly to the thoughts going through my head. although... I'm restless maybe because I'm wired from the energy of the events of Saturday.

a birthday party for a little girl and a chinese wedding banquet. it's been a crazy and hectic day.

so, in my head I'm trying to formulate a letter to my parents as I need to send it off on Monday or Tuesday. I wish it was as easy as writing on a daily basis, but unfortunately it's not. There's so much to say yet I stumble at the words to express everything I want to say. I could do the general letter and just give them an update of what's happened for the past 10 years or so. I could write about the confusion and anger that go through my head as to why our many years of silence have happened. I could express in my tears frustration and hurt. I honestly don't know what approach would be best.

I guess we'll have to see what happens when I put pen to paper....

reunions....

Very late last year, I decided that I wanted to reconcile the long standing broken relationship between my parents and I. I knew that the time had come to finally end a silly feud based on pride. It's been since 1996, that was the last time I had spoken to either of my parents. Needless to say, it's time.

During the visit to the bay area, to see the growth within our "barkada" and all the little faces growing each day, a realization that I've lost so many memories with my parents came over me. They've missed my wedding already, I don't think I want them to miss out on their first grandchild. (for those reading, I'm not pregnant yet)

I visited my uncle who is still in contact with them (yes, I kept tabs on my parents) and let him know of my intent. Got a call during the Laker game tonight, that he had spoken with them and that they "sounded" excited. My father even going to the extent of asking if he was a "lolo" already.

It made me smile to think of this and sharing this with the hubby on the drive home, he reminded me of the other times we've tried once again to be a whole family and the disappointments of the past. It's always hard to get my hopes up in the matters regarding my parents, but it's hard not to. I want so much to be in my parents' lives once again and them in mine that it hurts, but I know that this time, it's on my terms where I'm not scared of them reverting back to treating me like a little girl rather than a grown adult with her own life. I know that it's hard to ask for your parents not to treat you like their daughter, but I also know that it's about time that they let go of their little girl.

I write this with a hopeful and heavy heart, keeping my fingers crossed for a happy ending.